Magic has been whispering to my heart - quietly summoning me to her for years.
I longed deeply for her, oftentimes unable to identify the exact flavor of my aching.
I grieved for her as I numbly moved through a world that no longer believed in the mythical, in the phantasmagorical, in the dreamy, which felt most like home to me.
I cried tears of deep pain for my existence in a world I did not feel like I belonged in.
I attempted to soothe my suffering by swallowing my hazy languish and conforming to the world around me.
It seemed I had no other choice... because "that’s just the way it works, Chandra" (so they told me)
I wanted to believe in my magic, yet part of me trusted in what they had to say more than I trusted in the wild, nonsensical, illogical speakings of my heart.
And so, I did my best to create my own ‘authentic’ path within the paradigms of consensus reality.
I twisted them this way and that way, worked them up-and-down, front-to-back, and yet still... I was left feeling rebellious of the "ways of the world" and low-key hollow, with a vague sense of missing myself.
All the while,
my magic continued whispering to my heart.
I knew she was there,
and on some level, I knew that if I were to truly answer this enchanted call from the beyond with my whole body and being...
That everything would change.
That ‘business as usual’ would come to a screeching halt.
That I would perhaps become unrelatable to those I held most dear.
Yet, the more I pushed her away, the less life seemed to be working out the way I wished.
I wanted her so badly, yet I was scared of what might happen to me and everything I’d made so real when I accepted her omnipotent power - when I allowed myself to be dissolved and reconfigured as the cosmic sorcerer I came here to be.
Luckily, my inner guardian has always been trumping my human wants and orchestrating on my behalf whatever means necessary to usher me into the reclamation of my magic.
I've been maneuvered time and time again until I was positioned in such a way that it was my only choice. This included a multitude of gnarly and heartbreaking scenarios, which I’m ultimately grateful for. Each one severed another tie to something that ultimately hindered me from saying yes to She who is magic.
My devotion now is the humbling of my own will to hers, for this is my truth:
She is magic.
And she won't be tamed.